Naija Funnies!

Hell - Nigerian Style

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to Germany Hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. They lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?"asks the man.

"Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of it, the Nigerian devil used to be a Civil Servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

Igbo Business Man

A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other moguls and wealthy men were present. The Ibo businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him:

Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No. 22, but No. 11. It is a black gate you will see, fling it open. You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite tothe Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929.
It is not that one.

The Madza is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep. On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar. Dont touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open.

You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Dont touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Dont touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s, 50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500 Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50 Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor.

Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don forget to bring my change.

Have a stress free day!


Mari said...

buhahahaha heard these jokes several times before but they still crack me up.

Anonymous said...

LMAO @ the Igbo Business Man Joke...HAAHAHHA!!!
Nice one Mona

laspapi said...

The electric chair and Nepa- Those are the benefits of Nigeria

Anonymous said...

That's some funny story

TMinx said...

Hahaaa, sad but true. Have a good weekend

snazzy said...

heard the ibo man one before but it's still a classic. and you really should put a warning up that you bear no responsiblity if people get fired/ frowned upon etc for bursting into hysterics at work.

PS. and for someone who gave me crap about my editing skills I would watch out for those hordes of Ibo monguls rampaging through the countryside.

Aramide said...

snazzy u are dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hehe...i hav more jokes stored away dont worry i will give u more soon.

Anonymous said...

Hehehehe, Igbo man don suffer sha! Still ever so classic though.